Stop Setting Expectations and Start Building Bridges
Why I’m Writing About This
In both my HR and coaching work, I sit with people who care deeply about doing the right thing—about leading well, supporting others, and getting the work done.
And I hear the same frustration from both leaders and team members:
“Why isn’t my team following through?”
“No matter what I do, it’s never enough.”
The more I listen, the more I see a pattern:
We’re trained to set expectations that point outward—toward other people—rather than focusing inward on the standards we hold for ourselves.
It’s like standing on one side of a river, shouting instructions to the people across the water. You can’t control what happens over there. And when things fall short, you’re left frustrated.
But when we shift our focus to our own side of the river—clarifying what we will do, how we will lead, and what we stand for—we build something solid. Something others can meet us at.
That’s what this post is about: the quiet power of that shift, and how it can help you lead with more clarity, more calm, and more trust.
The Expectations Trap
“Setting expectations” sounds responsible, but notice where it points our attention: outward, toward the people on the other side of the river.
They should act differently.
They should already know.
But we can’t control what happens on the far bank. And when things don’t go as planned, we end up sounding reactive—or even controlling. What if, instead, we turned that attention inward—toward the standards we hold ourselves to?
What clarity will we offer?
What consistency will we model?
Once we take responsibility for our side of the bridge, we can begin the real work of building connection.
In my experience, four common forces tend to keep people stuck in their expectations:
Lack of Shared Understanding: Leaders may believe their directions or behavioral expectations are crystal clear. But clarity without context often feels arbitrary. When team members don’t understand how a request connects to a broader goal or outcome, it can feel like they’re being asked to jump through hoops just to appease someone. Without that “why,” expectations seem mercurial—even when they’re well-intentioned. What’s obvious to the leader is often invisible to others.
Hidden Constraints: Leaders may not fully see what their team is dealing with: limited time, clunky tools, competing priorities, unclear delegation. But the reverse is also true—team members may not understand the pressures, expectations, and trade-offs their leader is navigating. Without mutual awareness, assumptions pile up and empathy breaks down.
Mismatched Narratives: Leaders think: “They’re not trying”, while team members think: “She’s setting us up to fail.” These aren’t facts—they’re interpretations. Each side is responding to what they perceive, not necessarily to what’s true. And once those narratives take hold, they shape how each person filters future behavior. The longer they go unchallenged, the further apart both sides drift.
The Double Loop of Confirmation Bias: Once a story sets in, we all start looking for evidence to support it. Leaders notice every missed deadline and see it as “proof” that the team isn’t fully committed. Team members notice every unclear request and see that as “proof” the leader doesn’t have their back. Each side becomes more convinced, less curious, and less willing to re-engage.
The Language of Should
A quick test for the Expectations Trap? Listen for “you should” statements:
“You should take more initiative.”
“They should already know this.”
“She should care more.”
That’s expectations language—focused on what others should change. Standards language sounds more like:
“I plan to provide more clarity up front.”
“I’m going to check in once a week.”
“I want to model the kind of communication I hope to see.”
One reflects blame. The other reflects leadership and team engagement.
Let’s Talk Standards
When you focus on standards instead of expectations, the entire conversation shifts. You stop fixating on what others should do and start articulating what you will consistently do—how you will show up, lead, contribute, and interact.
Let’s look at what this sounds like across different perspectives:
💼 From a Leader’s Perspective
Expectation: “I expect you to update me weekly.”
Standard: “I’ll schedule time in my calendar for a weekly update so I can make sure that this project remains a priority. I’d ask that you provide a written update for that meeting—so we can track progress together and spot roadblocks early.”Expectation: “You should be more proactive.”
Standard: “I’m committed to identifying opportunities early and looping in others where their input adds value. I’ll model initiative, and I’ll create space for you to do the same.”
👥 From a Team Member’s Perspective
Expectation: “My boss should give clearer direction.”
Standard: “When I’m unclear on something, I’ll ask for clarification directly and respectfully. I’ll make sure I understand the goals before I dive into execution.”Expectation: “She should notice how much I’m juggling.”
Standard: “I’ll proactively share updates on my bandwidth and flag when I’m at capacity. I’ll communicate early so we can re-prioritize if needed.”
🧭 From a Values and Conduct Perspective
Expectation: “People should treat each other with respect.”
Standard: “I want to lead by example to ensure this team treats each other with respect. Consequently, I will speak with curiosity and care, even when I disagree. I will pause before reacting, and I will listen fully before responding.”Expectation: “This team should collaborate better.”
Standard: “I want to do whatever I can to ensure this team collaborates effectively. Consequently, I will contribute actively, give others space to speak, recognize shared wins, and take responsibility when things fall short.”
Your standards communicate more than tasks or timelines—they reflect your values, your reliability, and your personal leadership brand. When those are visible and consistent, others know how to work with you—and what they can count on you for.
Try the Bridge Perspective
Now that we’ve shifted away from setting expectations for others and are focused instead on our own standards—what we can do, say, and model on our side of the river—we’re in a much better position to start building the bridge.
Rather than calling across the gap with what we want others to do, we create something steady on our side: clarity, consistency, and intent. That becomes the foundation for real collaboration. It’s not about controlling the outcome—it’s about making your approach visible and inviting others into a shared conversation.
You might start by saying:
“Here’s where I’m coming from.”
“Here’s what I plan to do.”
“Here’s what I’m working with.”
“Here’s how I envision success for this project.”
Then, open the door for input:
“What’s your perspective from your side?”
“What do you think needs to happen for this to succeed?”
“What do you have available to build with?”
“What’s getting in the way?”
When you lead with self-awareness and genuine curiosity, you stop trying to manage people—and start creating the conditions where alignment and collaboration can actually take root.
Final Thought
You can’t build the other person’s side of the bridge. But you can build yours—with clarity, consistency, and care. And once your side is steady, you can reach out—not with expectations, but with an invitation:
“Here’s how I plan to show up. How can we build something that works for both of us”?
So the next time you find yourself thinking, “They should…”—pause.
Ask instead:
What will I do?
What standard will I set and uphold?
How can I invite others to help build a bridge worth crossing?
The shift may seem small, but its impact—on trust, communication, and shared success—can be transformational.