Untangle the Chaos, One Stick at a Time
Everyone has been here at some point in life.
We don’t always see it in others—because capable, effective people often work hard to keep it hidden—but everyone has had a moment or a season when life feels overwhelming and out of control. It could be sparked by a crisis at work or a personal situation so consuming that it spills over into your professional life.
In those moments, your body is often in full fight, flight, or freeze mode. Sleep and eating are disrupted. Concentration slips. And you may find yourself asking: Am I ever going to get out of this bind?
When I’ve been in these situations, I often think of the game Pick-Up Sticks—also called Mikado, Jackstraws, or Spillikins in other parts of the world. You dump a bundle of sticks in a heap and they land in a chaotic tangle. The goal is to remove one stick at a time without disturbing the rest.
In life, as in the game, you might be desperate to get to the stick—the one you believe will restore order and solve the problem—but it’s buried under everything else. Instead, you have to start with a stick you can move, even if it’s not the most important one. That small, clean move creates the space—and the confidence—to make the next one.
In real life, that first stick isn’t about clearing your inbox or tackling a high-stakes meeting. It’s about getting yourself into a state where you can even see the pile clearly and make a clean first move. That’s why I start with something I call The Game of 10—because before you can play, you need to be player-ready.
The Game of 10: Your First Stick
The Game of 10 is not about solving your problem or forcing yourself to “stop worrying.” It’s about recognizing that your physical stress response is getting in the way of playing to your best ability. Your goal isn’t perfection—it’s hacking through the cortisol and adrenaline so you can get your body into player-ready mode.
But before you begin, there’s one mental trap worth avoiding. I call it the “double whopper with cheese” effect—what happens when you’re already stressed and then you judge yourself for being stressed. You pile criticism on top of pressure, and suddenly your brain and body are carrying twice the load. This is why the Game of 10 starts with awareness, not self-reproach.
Here’s how it works:
Check your number: On a 10-point scale—where 1 is completely relaxed and 10 is locked in panic—where are you? Treat this as a physical check-up — and try your best to notice without judgement:
Heart rate: steady or racing?
Cognition: clear or crowded with intrusive thoughts?
Behavior: engaged or avoiding (scrolling, eating, shopping)?
Body tension: relaxed or tight?
Pick your “player-ready” number: What number lets you play effectively? Maybe a 3 or 4—calm enough to focus.
Find your physical hack: What moves you toward that number right now? Slow breathing, stretching, a short walk, herbal tea, a few jumping jacks—anything that signals your nervous system to downshift.
Recheck your number: Did you move closer? Celebrate even a one-point drop. Not there yet? Switch to something more comprehensive: a yoga or exercise class, a conversation with a friend who really “gets it,” or even taking yourself to the movies.
This is your first stick. Visualize picking it up and placing it in the box—or use a real pack and physically put one away. You’re already in motion.
Building Momentum
Once you’re player-ready, you can start picking up sticks in a way that builds momentum. In pick-up sticks—and in real life—you don’t start with the most buried or tangled stick. You start with what you can move cleanly.
As you go, use the move–pause–reposition technique throughout:
Move: Take the step you’ve chosen.
Pause: Stop and notice the effect—are you clearing space or just making the stick pile jiggle?
Reposition: Adjust your strategy before you go for the next stick.
Once you’ve got that rhythm, you can start identifying the different types of sticks you might encounter—and decide which to move first.
Level 1 - Outlier Sticks: These are the easiest moves—the ones lying on the edges of the pile, not connected to the core problem but still worth doing. They give you early wins and space to maneuver.
Level 2 - Top-of-Pile Sticks: These look messy but often aren’t hard to move once you try. This could mean revisiting policies, reviewing past precedent, or sketching out possible paths forward. Decide whether these steps require a manager’s conversation, a formal process, or something else entirely.
Level 3 - Tangled Sticks: Here’s where you start getting into the tricky stuff. The key here is making sure all stakeholders are in alignment. This is where the move–pause–reposition technique is critical—otherwise, you risk creating greater instability instead of progress.
Level 4 - Deeply Buried Sticks: These are the hardest moves—the steps you couldn’t get to until you’d cleared the rest. Thanks to earlier progress, they’re now easier to see and reach, but they may still require the most mental and emotional energy. This is when you revisit your Game of 10 score, because you and others involved need to be player-ready for these moves.
Example: The Toxic Manager Scenario
Let’s say you’re in HR and a respected employee reports that their manager has been undermining them, withholding key information, and making cutting remarks in private. This is emotionally charged, politically sensitive, and potentially damaging for the team.
Before you touch the pile, check your Game of 10 score. Maybe you’re at an 8 because:
You’re worried about political fallout if the manager is influential.
You’re anxious about conversations that could get heated.
You’ve seen similar cases mishandled before.
Knowing why you’re in high-alert mode helps you choose the right player-readiness strategies—maybe a short walk, breathing exercises, or a quick conversation with a trusted peer.
From there, you start working the sticks:
Outlier Sticks: Document the complaint clearly. Block time to focus on the case.
Top-of-Pile Sticks: Review policies and precedent. Outline possible next steps: direct conversation, formal investigation, or another approach.
Tangled Sticks: Ensure all stakeholders agree on goals, process, and potential outcomes. Use move–pause–reposition to confirm discussions are moving forward.
Deeply Buried Sticks: Execute the plan—initiate the conversation or investigation. Even though the path is clearer, this step requires the most energy, so recheck your Game of 10 before starting.
Transforming Panic into Purpose
Everyone experiences these moments of overwhelm at some point—when the problem feels bigger than your ability to handle it and the panic sets in. The Pick-Up Sticks approach offers a way forward that focuses not only on solving the problem but also on caring for yourself in the process. By regaining your agency—stick by stick—you become more effective, you feel better, and you set an example for others who may also be trapped in their own cycles of stress. You show them that it’s possible to move from frozen panic to purposeful action, and to lead with clarity even when the pile in front of you looks impossibly tangled.